tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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