he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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