take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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