I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
