Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
