I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
