No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
