Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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