I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found the puke drawer
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
