so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
