Plan B is the new Plan A
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
