Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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