i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
