Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
