I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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