Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
