Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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