Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just had sex on a roof
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
