your parents love me but you hate me
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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