I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think weed is turning my hair brown
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
