also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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