Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
