I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know her cup size but not her name....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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