I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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