A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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