so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
