I didn't shave. On purpose
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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