Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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