just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
