every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
