If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i came on her dog
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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