Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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