i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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