is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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