Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
