It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
