you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
