News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
