its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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