guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
