My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
