Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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