There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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