Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
