I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
