fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
