My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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