The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
