a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
