He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
