Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
