sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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