I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
